Category Archives: Fiction

TIFF 2013 in a Nut’s Hell

As everyone knows, I’m the guy that all the celebrities want to hang with every year during the Toronto International Film Festival. And then I tweet about it.





























Mila Kunis photo under Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic license.

Cappie Minivox and Math Class

There’s a little voice in my head that keeps me safe. It is a reactionary voice that makes such instant judgment calls as “This is bullshit,” “They’re trying to screw you out of something,” and “Don’t mess this up like those other things you messed up.”

If this voice were personified as a fellow human being, his name would be Caput Minivox. Cappie, to his friends. Not that he really has “friends” in the strictest sense of the word.

Cappie is a bit of a loud mouth. He shouts so loud that it’s often hard to hear other voices over his.

“Shut up, shut up, I’m talking,” he says.

And then when he’s done talking and someone else starts talking, he’s interjects, “Shut up, shut up, I’m not done talking.”

He can be a bit of a jerk sometimes… Most times… All the time. He’s got some kind of a complex. I’m not sure if it’s an inferiority complex or a superiority complex or mother issues or father issues or trust issues or mortality issues or intimacy issues or if it’s some kind of lymphatic imbalance. Suffice to say, the dude is not cool. He’s like a jaded 5-year-old in the body of a however-old-I-am-year-old.

Cappie is always trying to undermine people. He’s completely blind to intention. He can’t see past immediate concerns. He has no sense of a bigger picture. No sense of the future.

It’s difficult for Cappie to lose first impressions. Cause that would mean changing his point-of-view. And he’s stuck in this singular point-of-view – the point-of-view he’s always had. The dude is overwhelmed with fear in that regard. A fear of change.

Once, while traveling across the San Jacinto Mountains in Southern California, I stopped at a vantage point rest stop to admire the topography. Also parked there was a dark beat-up van, its roof covered with an array of a dozen satellite dishes pointing off in all directions. When asked what they were doing, one of the two scruffy guys inside replied, “We’re listening.”

Cappie is crazier than those guys, okay.

Cappie would come to the same assumption that there’s an answer to some cosmic question floating around out there in the ether that some secret conclave of immoral intelligentsia is keeping from him. However, Cappie would not get a van and cover it with satellite dishes. He would simply assume there’s no point in listening because there’s nothing that can be done about it – everything has already been decided for him.

Cappie is one of those cynical conspiracy buffs. He says, “Of course,” a lot. For instance, “Of course Oswald was drinking a soda in the lunch room at 12:30pm. What are you – stupid?”

Cappie reminds me of this math teacher I had in the tenth grade, Mr. Reid. He was tall, wore fake eyebrows and called this one recently-immigrated kid “stupid” whenever he got a question wrong. Reid always seemed to have this really negative demeanor. As if we were to supposed to feel blessed that he had lowered himself to teach math to fifteen-year-old’s and, at the same time, permit him to feel resentful towards us because we were the cause of all his educational woes. I didn’t learn much from Reid, other than “don’t make fun of immigrants.”

I hold Cappie at arm’s length now. He used to show up drunk on my doorstep at 3am, wanting to stay up all night bitching about something. I eventually had to give him the boot. And ever since then, I don’t see him as often. He’ll always be in my life, but at least now, he knows not to fuck with me.

Monday. Math class.

Oh Yeah Right

Oh yeah right, my blog…

my blog…

I’ve been totally neglecting my blog…

How could I? It’s unconscionable!

What kind of man am I that I would disrespect my blog in such a cruel manner?

Why do I even bother having a blog if I’m not going to use it?

Really. Why bother?

Is it the fame, respect and adoration that having a blog commands?

The free coffees from baristas/fans? The deals on carpets and kitchenware? The inheritances of cash and jewelry from people I’ve never met?

Sure, these are all great things. But what it’s really about… is the children.

I bother having this blog for the children.

Because without children, there’d be no adults.

And without adults, there’d be no children.

It’s a vicious circle. But I’ve decided to side with the children, because chronologically speaking, they’ll last longer.

And that’s what I’m looking for in a battery – a longer lasting battery.

Currently the longest lasting battery, again, chronologically speaking, is a rechargeable battery.

And that’s why I support electric cars.

And I would say that anyone who doesn’t support electric cars is stupid. Pronounced sytupid.


You know what?

I feel better about my blog.

I should go tweet about this.

GO Moonbase

GO Moonbase is a sci-fi web series.

The year is 2507. Since the advent of artificial intelligence in the mid-23rd century and due to humans’ inability to keep themselves out of trouble, robots now control the world. Much of humanity has taken on robotic qualities. Control of genetic sequencing has enabled humans to be bred pre-specialized for certain tasks; clones can be harvested for personal use; bionetic modifications can serve to enhance human qualities.

Colonization of the moon is well under way (after several drawbacks due to human error.) Among the many agencies operating on the moon is GO GalactiCorps, which owns and operates GO Moonbase, consisting of two operational hubs: Shackleton Center, the primary lunar port, and Tranquility Island, the moon’s most luxurious resort destination.

Several hundred human-operated stations and outposts occupy the areas surrounding these hubs, including solar panel grids, power relay stations, atmospheric vent housings, communication arrays, environmental sensor outposts, in/out mass driver ports and robotech factories.

Webisode #1: Low Gravity Environment
Hal experiences low gravity for the first time and makes a mess in his spacesuit.

GOPedia: Biospheric Engineering

Webisode #2: Previous Tenant
Hal discovers something left behind by the previous tenant of the outpost.

GOPedia: Odormeters

Webisode #3: Long Distance GF
Hal apologizes to his girlfriend Rainey back on Earth.

GOPedia: Robot Time

Webisode #4: Dear Pod
Hal logs a journal entry about Rainey.

GOPedia: The Cariblantic

Webisode #5: Fly Boy Fly By
Hal berates a shuttle pilot who almost killed him.

GOPedia: Wanted: Major Tom

Webisode #6: Tang’s A Lot
Hal demands satisfaction from a customer service bot.

GOPedia: DrinkPods

Webisode #7: Beware of Doug
Hal fears there may be another man in Rainey’s life.

GOPedia: Human Cloning

Webisode #8: Shipping and Miss Handling
Hal logs a journal entry about the cost of lunar-terran shipping.

GOPedia: Lunar-Terran Transport

Webisode #9: Technobabbylon
Hal asks a favor of his moon boss.

GOPedia: Perennial Sunshine

Webisode #10: Galactic Idol
Hal votes for his favorite contestant on Galactic Idol.

GOPedia: Human Game Shows

Webisode #11: Client Doctor Client
Hal makes a pledge to his emoticon advisor.

GOPedia: Emoticonvention

Webisode #12: Gravitational Push
Hal drunkenly phones his girlfriend Rainey on Holiday Eve.

GOPedia: Holiday Eve

Webisode #13: Anniversary Blues
Hal congratulates his parents on their 35th anniversary.

GOPedia: Human Procreation

Webisode #14: Grumpy Dwarf
Hal replies to an angry neigbor.

GOPedia: Pet-bots

Webisode #15: Badvice
Hal reacts poorly to his doctor’s dating advice.

GOPedia: Patient V

Webisode #16: Love in the Aftermath
Hal hits rock bottom when his parents decide to attend his ex-girlfriend’s wedding.

GOPedia: Certifichips

Webisode #17: Navidate
Hal records an introductory message for his Navidate account as his vidpod starts to malfunction.

GOPedia: Van Allen Radiation Umbrella

Webisode #18: Mr. / Mrs. Humbridge
Hal replies to video spam as his vidpod continues to malfunction.

GOPedia: XP-18 Vid-Pod

Webisode #19: Puttin’ on the Fritz
Hal is unable to communicate when his vidpod goes on the fritz.

GOPedia: Food Cubes

Webisode #20: A Brand New Vid-Pod
Karl shows Hal how to use his new vid-pod.

GOPedia: XP-35 Vid-Pod

Webisode #21: Here Comes the Neighborhood
Hal’s neighbor Monty asks him for a favor.

GOPedia: XP-38 Vid-Pod

Webisode #22: Fecal Vacuum Tube
Hal is frustrated by a mysterious caller.

GOPedia: Fecal Vacuum Tubes

Webisode #23: The Heimlich Maneuver
Karl suspects Hal may have intentially broken his vid-pod.

GOPedia: The Heimlich Clone Series

Webisode #24: @69
Hal @69’s his mysterious caller but encounters an anomalous transmission.

GOPedia: At 69

Webisode #25: Piggyback
Unbeknown to Hal, a revolutionary piggybacks his transmission.

GOPedia: Prank Call War (2494)

Webisode #26: Manager 45
Hal meets his new boss, a robot.

GOPedia: Rebots

Webisode #27: A.I. Think Therefore A.I. Am
2250: humanity is informed that robots have taken over the world.

Webisode #28: This Just In
2271: Shackleton Center, the first permanent moonbase, opens for business.

Webisode #29: Memoirs of a Robot
2288: Robot Max-147 appears on a talk show to plug his autobiography.