Author Archives: Simon Fraser

All Dogs Go To Paris

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This morning I received the best unsolicited commercial email I’ve ever received. The first great thing about was that it was addressed to me. These people found me and sent this email to me specifically.

I’m checking to see if you have any upcoming travel plans for which you were considering chartering a private jet.

Okay, can I just say, I love you. I love you because you assumed I was already wealthy enough to afford a private jet. Thanks buddy. Furthermore, I love you because you didn’t push your shit on me, you inquired to see if I even needed your shit.

At Talon we have a transient fleet of 19 aircraft and are equipped to meet any itinerary. We have recently added five Hawker 4000s to our certificate and are the only US operator that has this aircraft available for charter.

I don’t know what a transient fleet is but it kind of sounds like your pilots are homeless. And that’s great that you’re helping the homeless by letting them fly your airplanes. I hope anything in the cockpit that is made of aluminum is bolted down, otherwise they may take it and try to sell it at a scrapyard.

And these Hawker 4000s sound really impressive. Not that I know much of anything about the various makes and models of aircraft. But they have a number in the thousands attached to their name and that makes anything sound impressive. For instance, the Deathtrap 4000 sounds far more impressive than the mere Deathtrap.

I am here to assist you in determining the most ideal program for your personal or corporate travel needs; be it to charter our aircraft on a trip-by-trip basis, arrange a custom Block Time Agreement or explore aircraft ownership and management.

Aircraft ownership? But I’m not even a Scientologist.

If you have a flight in mind or are curious about a price, please contact me with your trip details including dates, destination and the number of passengers and I will provide you with the best available option.

Oh I am very curious about a price.

As for a flight in mind, my gal and I want to take our dog on a holiday to Paris because, well, in our opinion, every dog should be taken on a holiday to Paris at least once in their short but joyful lives. So that’s 2 passengers plus 1 canine. I’m guessing this will cost several thousand dollars to charter. I may need to find a few more passengers to offset the cost.

Anyone wanna go from Toronto to Paris and back on a private jet? Message me. Dogs welcome.

Renewing your contract in the next election

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Here’s a letter I just emailed to my MP. If you think that you could use all or some of this to convince your MP to do what they were hired to do, please take all or some of it…

Hello Olivia,

I don’t believe we’ve met but I am one of the people who hired you in the last election.

It has recently come to my attention that a man by the name of Stephen Harper has been urging you and all your fellow employees to not show up for work on January 25th.

I don’t know who this guy thinks he is. Apparently, he was hired by 17,296 delegates of something called “the Conservative Party” (which does not sound like a fun party at all). At any rate, you and your fellow employees do not answer to him. You answer to your employers, collectively known as Canada.

I can assure you, Olivia, that when I hired you, it was *NOT* to not show up for work.

In fact, you were hired for the explicit purpose of not only showing up for work but also, upon showing up, actually doing the work that came with the job. In short, you were hired because you were the most qualified candidate for this job.

This Harper guy has said that you and all your fellow employees shall return to work on March 3rd. Again, I don’t know who he thinks he is, but January 25th is the date that was previously agreed upon for you and your fellow employees to return to work.

I strongly urge you to ignore this Harper guy’s requests to not show up for work on January 25th. I strongly urge you to do the job for which you were hired – honourably representing the collective will of your fellow citizens.

For while showing up for work on January 25th might now seem like it will be a lonely affair, I can guarantee you that not showing up for work on January 25th will be much lonelier in the long run. The wrong choice on January 25th will become a permanent part of your work record.

I’m sure you’re aware that the next time Canada is hiring, your work record will be one of the items taken into consideration. If you did not do the job for which you were hired, saddened as it might make me, I simply would not be able to renew your contract.

Thank you for your time, Olivia. Please take the next 17 days to rest up so you can start 2010 fresh and focused.

Yours truly,
sf