Tag Archives: spam

All Dogs Go To Paris

This morning I received the best unsolicited commercial email I’ve ever received. The first great thing about was that it was addressed to me. These people found me and sent this email to me specifically.

I’m checking to see if you have any upcoming travel plans for which you were considering chartering a private jet.

Okay, can I just say, I love you. I love you because you assumed I was already wealthy enough to afford a private jet. Thanks buddy. Furthermore, I love you because you didn’t push your shit on me, you inquired to see if I even needed your shit.

At Talon we have a transient fleet of 19 aircraft and are equipped to meet any itinerary. We have recently added five Hawker 4000s to our certificate and are the only US operator that has this aircraft available for charter.

I don’t know what a transient fleet is but it kind of sounds like your pilots are homeless. And that’s great that you’re helping the homeless by letting them fly your airplanes. I hope anything in the cockpit that is made of aluminum is bolted down, otherwise they may take it and try to sell it at a scrapyard.

And these Hawker 4000s sound really impressive. Not that I know much of anything about the various makes and models of aircraft. But they have a number in the thousands attached to their name and that makes anything sound impressive. For instance, the Deathtrap 4000 sounds far more impressive than the mere Deathtrap.

I am here to assist you in determining the most ideal program for your personal or corporate travel needs; be it to charter our aircraft on a trip-by-trip basis, arrange a custom Block Time Agreement or explore aircraft ownership and management.

Aircraft ownership? But I’m not even a Scientologist.

If you have a flight in mind or are curious about a price, please contact me with your trip details including dates, destination and the number of passengers and I will provide you with the best available option.

Oh I am very curious about a price.

As for a flight in mind, my gal and I want to take our dog on a holiday to Paris because, well, in our opinion, every dog should be taken on a holiday to Paris at least once in their short but joyful lives. So that’s 2 passengers plus 1 canine. I’m guessing this will cost several thousand dollars to charter. I may need to find a few more passengers to offset the cost.

Anyone wanna go from Toronto to Paris and back on a private jet? Message me. Dogs welcome.

Sex, Now Effort-Free!!

I received a piece of spam mail today. The subject was “How To Give a Female an Orgasm – Without Effort”.

And I thought, “Ya, it’s having to make an effort that always seems to get in the way. If I just didn’t have to do all that heavy lifting, all the roadie work, sex would be so much better.”

And if I could get this liberation from labor in the form of capsule I could ingest twenty minutes before I was planning to find myself in a sexual situation, wouldn’t the clouds just open up? For her at least.

And if I could do all this from the comfort of a reclining chair positioned in front of a television with a colostomy bag and oxygen tank nearby… I mean wow.

Spam (3674)

I decided a month ago to not delete any of the spam emails that automatically funnel to my spam email folder. The total blossomed to 3674. That’s not including the 3 or 4 a day written in Russian that manage to find their way past my English-based spam blocking techniques and into my inbox.

So screw you spammers! Your 97% failure rate clearly shows how feeble your intellects truly are!

It’s the little things.