The Van Allen Radiation Umbrella is not, as most humans believe, named after the ring of radiation that encircles the Earth. It was in fact named after Herbert Van Allen, the founder of the company that invented the device. That company is Van Allen Technocrati.
Though Herb died billions of quarter-seconds before his namesake was even conceived, he would have been proud to know that the development of the radiation umbrella was shrouded in as much secrecy as any of his company’s previous successes. The VARU is currently in widespread use on the surface of the moon and sales have increased on Earth wherever there has been the threat of an ozone outage.
The umbrella is designed to shield up to 2 meters around the user from harmful solar radiation in any negligible atmosphere environment. Some celebrity robots have even been spotted accessorizing with a VARU, including Cindy-6, Teflar-185 and classical oboist Toyfarm M-G-T.
In an effort to reduce identity theft and unlicensed medical practices, certifichips were made mandatory for any robots, humans or devices operating in any field of science, as of 2466.
On devices, the certifichip is laid beside the device’s serial number. On robots, the certifichip is implanted into the lower quadrant of the robot’s processing cortex.
On humans, placement of the certifichip proved to be problematic. Originally, it was embedded into the left wrist of the certified professional. However, this enabled several identity thieves to find certified persons, cut off their left arm at the elbow and steal their identities to practice unlawful science. The human certifichip was then moved to the right wrist, the left ankle, the right kneecap and the nipples before it was determined that a more unavailable location was required for the chip.
It was finally decided that the certifichip would be placed deep inside the rectum, adjacent to the Sigmoid colon. This was discovered to be the most effective prevention for identity theft and unlicensed practices since anyone daring enough to extract a person’s certifichip would become open to ridicule by teenage boys.
Badvice is a clinical term used by both personality trainers and emoticon advisors. It refers to a human’s feeling that his or her doctor’s prescription is poorly conceived and need not be executed. It was first coined by Dr. Jonas Voight-Schnapp in his seminal study, “Humans Are Not As Schmart As They Think They Are, Therefore Humans Are Schtupid,” published in 2468 in the Journal of Ontological Bioscience.
Dr. Voight-Schnapp based the term (and most of the study) on Patient V, who had an overwhelming fear of heights. The doctor’s prescription was that the patient “base-jump off a high bridge as soon as possible.”
However, Patient V refused this prescription and instead opted to take a vacation in New Zealand. Unfortunately, the tropospheric shuttle that was transporting Patient V encountered a low-level radiation storm and broke up over the Indian Ocean.
“If only Patient V had not seen my prescription as badvice,” surmised Dr. Voight-Schnapp, “he or she might have lived a long rich life.”
