Civil Surfing
I work in a government office for the government. And I do general office labor for a certain set of fellow government workers. And one day, one of the other government workers asked me to send out one hundred and sixty booklets. And I was to send them to the four different regional offices, forty to each office. So I needed four boxes.
So I went to the mailroom and I told them that I needed four boxes to send four packages to the four regional offices. And they stared at me. And they said that I would have to go talk to Rodney, the box guy I guess.
So I went and found Rodney and I told him that I needed four boxes to send four packages to the four regional offices. You have to make it very simple for these people. So I asked Rodney for these boxes and he said, “Four boxes, okay.”
And then he started wandering around the office looking for four boxes. Like I couldn’t have done that myself.
So I stopped him and I said, “Look, Rodney, isn’t there a place where you would keep boxes stored?”
“Yeah, the storage room.” he said.
“Should we look there?” I asked him.
So Rodney took me to the storage room. And he went in and started looking around for four boxes. And I could see two boxes right down at my feet that were the right size. So I asked him, “What about these boxes?”
And he said, “I thought you wanted four.”
Now I didn’t want to pressure him. So I said, “Well, I’ll take these two now and you can get back to me with two more.”
“Two more? I’ll have to go downstairs to get them.”
“Okay, no problem, you go downstairs, you get back to me.”
“Okay.”
So I took these two boxes back and started getting two of the parcels ready. And then I realized that the booklets were already in two boxes, different-sized boxes, large enough for eighty booklets, but they would do. I didn’t need perfectly-sized boxes.
So I called Rodney back and I said, “Look, about those two other boxes, I don’t need them anymore. I already have the two boxes the booklets came in. So I don’t need any more boxes.”
“What?”
“I don’t need the two boxes.”
“Okay,” he said, “whatever.”
So I packed up the four boxes, two of the small size, two of the large. And I put them on the dolly, the large ones on the bottom because, you know, gravity. And I took them to the mailroom and I told them, “I need you to send these four boxes to the four regional offices.”
And as I was about to leave, the lady stopped me and said, “Well, they’re two different sizes.”
I said, “Yeah… so?”
“Well, they won’t fit in the bags.”
“And?”
“Well, we can’t send them, they won’t fit in the bags.”
“Well, you’re the mailroom; you know, the mailroom handles the mail. What am I supposed to do with them?”
“Well, you’ll have to go talk to Rodney about this.”
So I went and found Rodney again. And I told him, “Look, alright, I’m sending these four boxes to the four regional offices and the mailroom won’t take them because they won’t fit in the bags.”
“Why are you telling me?” he asked. “You should talk to the mailroom about this.”
“Yeah,” I said, “I took them to the mailroom. They won’t take them. They don’t fit in the bags. They told me to come to you.”
“Come with me,” he said. So I followed him… to the mailroom.
And then he started arguing with the lady. “These boxes are being mailed.”
“Well, they won’t fit in the bags.”
“Well, we’re trying to mail them.”
“But they won’t fit in the bags.”
“Why not?”
“They’re too big.”
“They’re different sizes.”
“Well, two of them will fit but those two larger ones won’t.”
“Can we send two?”
“Yes, two of them will fit.”
“What about the other two?”
“No, they won’t fit.”
Suddenly, in a fit of impulsiveness, Rodney walked off. So I was left alone with the mailroom lady.
“Look,” I said, “can I atleast put them in the mailroom? You know, this is the mailroom and these are mail. Can I just put them in here until we figure out–”
“Yes, fine, bring them in here.”
So I picked them up and they’re pretty heavy. And she guided me in and said, “Um… okay… um… put them… um… here!”
So I dropped them in the middle of the mailroom, wondering if in a few hours later, they would be covered with, with, with a tablecloth and a deck of cards.
And do you know what the mailroom lady said to me? Do you know what she had the gall to say? She said to me, “You know, we’re going to have to send these out regular mail.”
“Fine!” I screamed.
“Whatever!” I screamed at her.
“Send them however you want, you dumbfucker!” I cursed her.
“What’s the matter with you? Don’t you know who I am?!” I asked her.
“I’m the Anti-Christ!” I informed her. “I’m the goddamn Anti-Christ!!!”
And then, that was when they fired me.
But that’s okay.
That’s alright.
Because now I’ve got a new job now.
I’m working at the post office.
