Author Archives: Simon Fraser

Top 10 Best Unproduced Movies That No One Would Understand

10. You Wouldn’t Understand It

9. You Wouldn’t Understand It Either

8. You Really Wouldn’t Understand It

7. It Would Confuse You

6. Don’t Even Bother

5. Why Would You Even?

4. Stop, Just Stop

3. If You Watch This And Tell People You Understood It, You Are Full Of Shit

2. You’re Wasting Your Time

1. The Masochist Trilogy

I got played by a dog

I take the dog for a walk. I bring a stick.

I show her the stick. She gets excited. I direct her to go do her business.

She gets the picture.

She sniffs around. Stares at me.

Sniffs around. Stares at me.

I direct her to do her business.

She sits down.

Fine.

I throw the stick. She retrieves it.

I throw it again. She retrieves it.

I throw it again. She goes and does her business.

I tried to play the dog. But the dog played me.

I got played by a dog.

Shoulda Been 100%

I wrote a short story in high school, in the simplistic style of a children’s parable, that told the absurd tale of a lumberjack who cut down all the trees on Earth.

My English teacher was so completely baffled by it that he got me to read it aloud to the class in the hopes that someone else would know what it meant.

No one did.

He said he’d give me an A, which, he said, translated to 80%. I did not take this well. The A should have translated to 100%.

The parable was about making the wrong choice for the sake of a short-term solution.

The Top 10 Worst Top 10 Lists of 2013

10. Top 10 Sex Toy Re-Gifts For A Bridal Shower

9. Top 10 Whites-Only Gated Communities

8. Top 10 Apps For Illiterate Folk

7. Top 10 Baby Names That Will Ensure Your Child Is Bullied

6. Top 10 Hipster Hair Stylz

5. Top 10 Wines of the Arctic

4. Top 10 Failed Marriage Proposals At A Public Event With More Than 20,000 People In Attendance

3. Top 10 Undercover Police Officers Revealed!

2. Top 10 Extinct Languages

1. Top 10 Wacky Warzone Gaffes